just ordinary story

i feel something bad inside. i don't know why, or even i don't know what. i just feel this heart beats unwell-like always. but it's weird, more than before. by the way, at any moment, i think maybe it's because of many book i've read that makes me going weird like this. but i think about it again. no, not because of that.

it happens inside this heart. there's something wrong inside. but i still dont know what! there's a lot of things happened in this 2010. and maybe this is too much. mixed too much. yes i repeat again. too much.

things come and go easily, like what i said, but they'd never completely gone. they go, for sure. but they give me a part of them. they left something from them to me. and it's going weird of course. OF COURSE!

now, maybe i can tell you it might be something happened inside. but you know what? it happened so wrong again. something wroooong. i dont how to describe it. it's weird.

maybe like this, uhmmm it's about dream, love, wish, God, rules, heartbeat, lyric, surprise, care, mail, shot message, story, and imagination.

that's the clue i've got. could u help me to solve this game?

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I'm going sick of it.
I love God, and of course, he loves God too.
God loves me, and of course, God loves him too.
I admit it, I love him, but it's going bad, because God is between us.
And you know why I said it's going bad?

Because we call 'God' in different ways.

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hey, God.
i know, maybe u know me well, better than what i know myself.
God, you know, right? that i've been trying so hard to solve this little problem.
i know, God. it might be my fault. how was it begin, and how was it grow.
i know, u gave me a warning sign, but i just throw it far.
God, u know that i've been trying.
i try so hard to erase the memories behind.
i try.
but, i don't know why, harder i try, the memory just easier flying around my mind.
dear God, i want this memories just go away. but it's hard for sure.
i'm tired, dear God.
i'm tired.
everyone just talk all about me. and just remind me again and again.
i know, they don't even know whats goin on inside.
i can say, i will forget.
but for real, it ways so hard, God.
it's hard.
i have to play with the memories around, and the pain i feel inside.
they can it's easy. but for me, this is the hardest part.
dear God, you know what i feel inside. what i've been hiding for a long time.
please, if this is wrong, just make it right.
could you help me to forget about it?
i cant do by myself, dear God.

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hey I, could you come? push me to write down?
help me to do this? to make all of this things done?
please, i need you for a while.
its going suck, and i think im stuck.
could you come to me, please.
i need you. :(

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at one night, when i went back to Bogor, sit next the window in the Bus, i switched on my iPod, made it shuffle, and how lucky i am, my iPod brought this song for me. and made me feel so, uhm what can i say? peaceful, maybe?

Banyak perkara yang tak dapat kumengerti
Mengapakah harus terjadi di dalam kehidupan ini
Satu perkara yang kusimpan di dalam hati
Tiada sesuatupun kan terjadi tanpa Allah peduli

Allah mengerti, Allah peduli
Segala persoalan yang kita hadapi
Tak akan pernah dibiarkanNya
Ku bergumul sendiri sbab Allah mengerti

when i heard that song, finally, im crying. no, its not because im sad. its only because, i feel so guilty.
the problem i have been thinkin of was really, oh my God, maybe it can be called with problem? i forgot about everything He had been sent to me. a thousand chances He gave me to feel the morning, to see the sun, to close or even to open my eyes. not only that, He sent me to a really good family, i have an awesome mom, a cool dad, superduper fun siblings, and a warm big family.
He gave me a lot of nicest friend ever! to share my problem, to give me a shoulder to cry, and even to give me a lot of bad words for waking me up from my long dream.
hey, He's caring you as much, Gita. what else you can ask for more?

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where r u?
r u just go away?
hey, i still need u
to deny the another one.
please, don't be like this
i can't handle it alone.
hey, can u understand??
I NEED YOU
please, for this time only.
where r u?
why r u just go away?
just fly away like a dust?
please, i still want you to be here.
i want you to be stayed in here,
and i can deny the another one.
i don't know what can i do now.
when you just go away
and the another one come in to my life
hey, please stay
i need you.

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You've made my mood up and down
You've made my heart beats unwell
You've made my world spinning round and round
You've made my mind just stick back around you and you
You've made me addicted to you
You've made me hard to take a breath
You've made me headache
And even sometimes you've made me heartache
You give me something that I feel so... HEAVEN
Yes, sometimes it hurts, but I had so much fun with all of that.
I can tell what kind of feeling. But all that I know, it's soooo wonderful!

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I do afraid. What should I do? what can I do? It just going too fast like a waterfall. I can't take it under my control. Please, I'm afraid. Too afraid.

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i can't sleep. dan yang hanya saya bisa lakukan di saat seperti ini adalah membuka blogger ini.
saya mungkin emosi, mungkin tidak terima, atau mungkin terbawa suasana dengan this f**king pms. tapi saya benar-benar sakit hati! sakit ini mungkin tidak langsung berimbas pada saya, tapi apapun yang terjadi pada keluarga saya, yang menyakiti hati mereka, itu pula yang menyakiti saya.
saya merasa kecewa dengan keputusan mereka. sudah lama itu terjadi. dengan cara mereka keluar. dengan cara mereka yang menurut saya sok-sok-an. dengan cara mereka yang berlagak mereka adalah orang paling penting di dunia yang harus selalu diutamakan. mereka keluar, hilang jejak tanpa kabar untuk beberapa waktu dengan cara yang menurut saya KASAR dan tidak pantas untuk mereka lakukan.
lama tak ada kabar, tiba tiba salah satu dari mereka datang menghampiriku melalui beberapa media. mencurahkan masalahnya, mungkin meringis, dan menyesal. apa yang saya rasa saat itu? saya merasa saya terinjak. karena semua tentang dia-mereka-saya tidak ingin tahu sebenarnya. mereka keluar dengan cara yang SAMPAH seperti itu saja saya sudah sakit hati, apalagi tiba tiba datang dan mencurahkan masalah, dan meminta bantuan. HELLO??? masih ingatkah kamu bagaimana JAGOAN nya kamu keluar? masih ingat caramu mengucapkan kata kata berpamitan yang sungguh teramat tidak pelajar? masih ingatkah bagaimana egomu mengalahkan dan menghapuskan segala kasih yang ada? masih ingatkah???
dan saya tidak bisa memberikan solusi atas masalah dia. karena keputusan untuk mandiri dengan cara tidak sopan seperti itu berarti harusnya dia sudah bisa berpijak dengan kaki sendiri. lalu setelah kakimu pincang kamu berbalik dan minta diperbaiki? oh, NON SENSE!
aku mendengar kabar buruk lagi, dan sebenarnya aku bisa menduga sejak lama. dan saat aku menanyakan, dia tidak peduli. tiba tiba aku membaca sesuatu. mungkin bukan untukku, tapi aku sedikit merasa tersindir. oh, itukah yang ingin kau sampaikan? bagaimana kalau mengatakan langsung di depanku? lalu kamu pikir ini semua salahku? salah mereka yang telah merawatmu sejak lama?
hey, aku ingatkan kamu untuk bersyukur. selalu ada yang dibayar untuk sesuatu yang kau nikmati. mengapakah kamu ingin selalu hidup berlebih? hidup butuh perjuangan, kawan. mungkin kamu melihat hidupku yang mungkin membuatmu merasa aku lebih baik. hey, ada harga yang harus kubayar untuk itu dan kamu tidak (mau) tau. kamu mungkin terjangkit iri atau cemburu. merasa hidupmu paling menderita sedunia, tapi kamu tidak pernah melihat bagaimana beruntungnya kamu.
bisa merasakan pendidikan yang tidak semua orang bisa dapatkan. mendapatkan fasilitas (yang mungkin kamu selalu merasa kurang), mendapatkan cinta kasih tidak hanya dari sepasang orang tua, tapi dari banyak orang. kamu selalu ingin lebih. tidak pernah bersyukur.
lihatlah hidupmu sekarang. inilah yang kamu harus bayar atas apa yang kamu telah putuskan. nikmatilah keputusanmu. jangan pikir kamu bisa seenaknya kembali menikmati semua yang telah kami tawarkan, lalu memintanya tanpa ada pengorbanan.
inilah hidup, tidak ada yang mudah. bersyukurlah, nikmatilah.

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i can't take it any longer
what am i supposed to do?
i don't know exactly what i feel.
i'm just trying my best to keep running to you.
but you just too fast.
maybe i can, but it just too hard to get you.
can you just stop?
and just let me?

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Its so hard for just only take a breath.
Its so hard for stay focus.
My mind just turn around and around.
Yes, it always turns around to you!
My heartbeat? Don't ask! It feels going so faaaaaast more than u've ever think!
I don't know, what so great about you.
and I hate to admit you're more than great.
You successfully fulfill my mind.
You successfully made me feel like a fool one.
Smile all day, just think about your smile (even u smiled not for me), wondering your cool eyes that I really adore.
Aaaah, it's just not enough if I describe why.
You're just the charming one. And the only guy that make me feel like this.
Sometimes I feel, I don't have to run to get someone that doesn't even want me. But then I realize, I want you, and it need some sacrifices to get that.
Yes, I do. I just feel 'different'.

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yes, i am failed. i cant lie. i'm totally disappointed. but, hey. it doesn't mean that i'm going to give up. just give me some times. and i can prove it that i can do it! i know, God has a thousand way for me. if i can get it now, its gonna be another day. and i know He'll give me in the right time. i do believe that.
when u fall down, don't enjoy that time. get up quickly, and just be ready to start to run again. yes, i'm ready to run!

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aku berharap. terlalu berharap mungkin. tapi, please. aku benar-benar berharap untuk yang satu ini. semoga saya sedikit beruntung. dan bisa meraih yang saya impikan. saya sangat cemas akan hasilnya.

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Maybe it's just like another friday. But for me, this is the most beautiful friday night ever.
How we spend our friday night, -or maybe how I spend my friday night-?
How we type many much words, -or maybe how I type many much words-?
How we share our stories, -or maybe how I share my stories-?
hey, do you know how I spent my days just wait and look in to my yahoo messenger?
Hey do you know how I ask all my best just to made some words to start the conversation?
And do you know how happy I am when u replied?
Do you know how blushing I am when u asked why I'm not going to bed?
Do you know how fast my heart beating and how hard I just try to make my heart going slower?
Do you know? Do you notice? Do you want to know?
Do you know what? When I woke up at the end of october I was confuse, is that happened last friday, or maybe that just happened in my dream?
If that was JUST a dream, it would be the sweetest dream ever.

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hey, do you remember that moment? when we met at our first day? i think you don't get it.
hey, do you remember that moment? when we talked for the first time? do you remember my first question? uhm, i don't think so.
hey, do you remember that moment? the first time you wrote on my wall. do you remember what u wrote? i still read that once a day.
hey, do you remember our first talk? what we talked? what the topic? and how many times we spent in front of our pc? oh i miss that!
hey, do you remember when i told you my story? do you remember what advice u gave to me? oh, that means a lot for me.
hey, do you remember when i feel sad? feel like that day was the end of the world? told you how was my feeling at that moment? oh, i love every words you gave to me.
hey, do you remember when i told you, finally, i was falling in love? do you remember when u asked about that gossip? aah, i feel so lucky to have a friend like you.
hey, do you remember when i asked you what can i do for that boy at that moment? do you remember when you pulled me up when i think i don't have any chance? do you remember what was you saying that can made me feel happier? i'm thanking you.
hey, do you remember when u said u was falling in love too? do you remember how can u told me the story? i'm happy finally you can share your story to me.
hey, do you remember your story about worm? do you remember my reaction? aaah, i hated you for telling me that 'yaks' story, but it was so funny.
hey, do you remember a lot of funny stories you told me? do you remember how many times we shared? do you remember how many words we typed?
do you miss that? ah, i wish. ;)
so sorry for many times you spent with me just to hear my story that maybe you don't wanna know.
is it too late to say maybe it's you?

ps: too drama queen, that's me. ;P

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saya tau, ini ga adil. tapi bukannya memang hidup terkadang tak memihak pada kita?
saya tau, ini menyakitkan. tapi bukannya memang manusia harus merasakan sakit sebelum bahagia datang?
saya tau, saya jahat. tapi saya hanya berusaha jujur pada diri sendiri.
saya tau, waktunya tidak pas. tapi, mau kapan lagi? saya lelah mengulur waktu.
saya tau, caranya salah. tapi hanya ini yang bisa saya lakukan.

terima kasih, untuk teguran teguran atas sikap saya yang kadang suka kelewat batas.
terima kasih, untuk kata kata manis yang kadang suka kelewat gombal.
terima kasih, untuk kedua telinga yang kamu sediakan untuk mendengar curhat ga penting saya.
terima kasih, untuk saran saran yang kamu berikan setelahnya.
terima kasih, untuk waktu yang saya todong untuk mengantar saya pulang ke bogor atau bahkan ke jatinangor.
terima kasih, untuk sms-sms singkat yang kamu rutin kirimkan.
terima kasih, untuk telefon berjam-jam tengah malam.
terima kasih, untuk segala pengertian atas sikap aku yang kekanakan.
terima kasih, untuk senyum, tawa, bahkan tangis yang kita bagi bersama.
terima kasih, untuk lebih dari 365 hari yang kamu bagi dengan saya.


さようなら. ありがとう. it's enough for us.

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i became a stranger today.
it made me feel weird, hurt, and... uhm tired.
just enough to pretend that we are okey, darling.
there's something wrong with us.
stop acting like we are fine. we TOTALLY not fine.
u sit next to me and no conversation?
and u go away without any words and talking loudly with other and laugh over like u want to say 'i dont wanna talk to u, and with them i can be happy'
aaaaaarggggghhhh, u know what?
i don't even care. but for real, i care.
'coz i dont want the situation to be like this.
did i do something wrooong? with u? DID I???????
just come to me, tell me what u feel, and we try to fix this things up.
case closed, rite?
can we just talk together, sharing about our feelings? u tell me what's wrong with me, and i'll tell u too.
i just want to know what happen next.
i hope it will be better.

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bener kayaknya apa kata orang kalo banyak ketawa, kita bisa tiba-tiba nangis. iya ga sih? saya baru saja mengalami. di satu malam saya tertawa sampai puas bersama kedua teman saya, dan sesaat sebelum tidur, saya mendengar berita yang membuat saya kaget setengah mati. berita yang sebenarnya sulit dipercaya.
ketika saya melihat langsung apa yang diberitakan, ada banyak pertanyaan di benak saya. kenapa? kenapa harus dia lagi? kenapa harus itu yang dia alami? kenapa harus di saat seperti ini? kenapa harus di saat yang sebenarnya pasti terasa berat buat kami? kenapa?
ternyata toh tidak saya saja yang bertanya. ada pertanyaan sinis dari beberapa orang, yang saya yakin tidak sedikit, yang juga ikut bertanya sinis, "mereka lagi" atau "mereka memang berbuat apa sih sampe seperti ini" ada juga yang bilang, "tuh kaaaan," atau "makanyaa...."
hey guys, i just want u to know. we'r not afraid. maybe u can judge with ur words, but 1 think u have to know, ur words are RUBBISH. i think u have to keep ur words, and please DON'T TALK.
no no, i'm not afraid, i'm not sad, NO WAY! u CAN'T make me feel that things. saya hanya merasa itu sia-sia. u better learn how to talk with other people, specially in moment like this.
huaaaaa, terlalu emosional jadinya.
by the way, saya menganggap ini cobaan, dan saya selalu percaya tidak ada cobaan yang tidak bisa dilewati oleh umatNya. saya percaya kalau orang mau bangkit harus jatuh dulu, kalau pelangi ada setelah hujan turun, kalau matahari pagi terang terbit setelah malam sudah berlalu, dan saya percaya Dia pasti menyimpan sejuta keindahan di balik ini semua.
and one thing, God works in mysterious ways.



nb: to all my family, be tough. God always has a big plan for us.

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Its 2am. And im still awake. This feeling again, B. B, can u give me an advice? Or maybe a word that can explain. Can u give a reason, why???
Its like flying to the sky, like butterfly on my stomach, like flower is everywhere around me. It makes me smile, laugh, even makes me wonder, how? How can i feel like this, B?
Oh yes, pardon me. You know im a drama queen person,rite? Allrite, i have to try to go to sleep.

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